The BBC has officially chosen not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract, ending Top Gear as we know it. James May, when asked if he would stay on the show, said that he, Hammond and Clarkson came as a package, without then making a joke about male genitalia.
He did say that he had to go put his Ferrari on eBay, but he sounded sad when he said it, and he wasn’t surrounded by people summoned to laugh whenever he ended a sentence, so it didn’t feel quite right. Everyone has already said it, the BBC were screwed from the beginning, regardless of their decision to sack or not to sack. As per usual, Rupert Murdoch joined in the discussion.
True, but nonetheless tweeted by a man who can’t even spell “Muslims” properly.
Radio 2 DJ Chris Evans was asked if he would take over. He went into full politician mode and escaped further questioning by praising the man who got fired for punching a junior employee in the face.
So here it is. The top ten list of people best apt to replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear.
1. Harry Potter
Flying cars, brooms, hippogriffs, thestrals, apparition and the Hogwarts Express. A motoring show in the magical world of Potter would be way more interesting than as it is now when the closest thing to magic you can drive is a dreary Lamborghini Aventador.
Boooooooooooooooooooooring!
2. Peter Pan
Neverland? More like Autobahnland, a place where speed cameras will never catch you and you’ll never crash, not even after a fender bender with Captain Hook.
3. Frodo Baggins
Because who wouldn’t want a race to the Mountain of Doom with Mr. Baggins in the latest Mercedes and Hammond and May on one of those giant eagles?
4. Tony Stark
He’s male, he’s middle-aged, he’s sexy, and he can set fire to an entire city and somehow feel happy about it.
5. Homer Simpson
While being fat, bald and a drunk loudmouth are usually considered bad qualities, they are essential in any Clarkson replacement.
6. Fred Flintstone
No one handles a car made completely from stone with no engine like Freddie. NOONE.
YABBA DABBA DOO!
7. Edward Cullen
He might have a thing for Volvos, but that can easily be cured with a ride in a Bentley and the promise of some young blood.
8. Anastasia Steele
If you know how to be tied to a bed, you know how to put on a seatbelt.
9. Darth Vader
Imagine his voice going “the fastest car…………….. in the world.”
10. Walter White
I’m sure that Winnebago will take Hammerhead like a champ. And the meth in the back will keep May from explaining the intricate details of the Dacia Sandero.
You might have noticed a pattern here. None of these people actually exist. Top Gear is popular because of Clarkson, Hammond, and May, and the way they interact, or rather, (verbally) abuse each other. Trying to recreate it would most certainly lead to cop-outs a la Top Gear Australia/Russia/Korea/US. Copies that only pales in comparison to the original. A bit like The Office, which neatly sums up how we all really feel about Top Gear ending.
Gustaf Kilander 